Lackluster

I don't feel a tad bit of excitement or the feeling of happiness in me even though the semester break mode is on.Somehow,it irks me,of not knowing what to do in this break.Yes call me ungrateful for still dwelling when its actually what I've been wanted for so long. 

I slept all day,filling earphones in my ears.Music helps me to think. It's been a rainy season,synchronizing my blue feelings.I've been feeling all blue for the past couple days and I don't know what is the reason.I'm the only one that could understand my own ignorant-self.I should try not to be so clingy and be independent.Eventually,people you love will leave you,anything you love will be taken away from you.At the end of the day,all I have is myself facing the world. 

Sail me.

Almost 2 a.m

lying alone on the bed,

in the dark,

writing and aching and missing

you so much till it hurts my chest

while you're asleep in

your own bed,

far from here,

dreaming,

maybe dreaming of me.

I miss you. 

Unconscious thought.

Cramp on my stomach,having a migraine,where I know I'm going to have my period real soon. My mood had gone,every single thing can pissed me off just like that. I switched off my mobile phone,just to avoid any disturbance and I know my action caused him a big worry about me. I'm sorry love,I didn't mean to make you feel guilty or else,I just don't want to drag things any worse. I blame my hormones for not being stable these past few days. I can get mad and locked myself up in a room all day long if I lost my mood. I hate being in that situation,where somehow it could affect everyone else around me. I hate it when I couldn't handle my feelings in a certain circumstances,where I can be very fragile and cried like a fan babies. I hate how much my insecurity could eat me up. I hate when I hurt the person I love the most without having the slightest intention of doing that. I hate when I become too greedy of wanted to own him all by myself. I hate when I think every hello always ends with goodbye. I hate when I think I might lose him. I hate when I couldn't swallow my thought all by myself and end up being in this situation. I truly hate being in a labyrinth of thoughts. 

--I miss you other half.

"I had no interests. I had no interest in anything. I had no idea how I was going to escape. At least the others had some taste for life. They seemed to understand something that I didn’t understand. Maybe I was lacking. It was possible. I often felt inferior. I just wanted to get away from them. But there was no place to go." 
- Charles Bukowski 


Its almost come to an end,but to finally able to reach on that day,there are still so much to went through,so much to face,so much to swallow,so much to achieve.