Spell you cast still lingers.

Pointing myself to the mirror, realizing how much things totally change in front of my naked eyes. And tonight, my heart began to ache again. A sudden realization creeping into myself, thinking about all the things that I shouldn’t do but I did, thinking about all the words that I should keep to myself but I uttered it, thinking about all the forgiveness that I gave for almost every time and being destroyed most of the time too, thinking about the decision that I made and end up regretted, thinking about all the lost chances, thinking about all the probabilities that finally seems didn’t make a sense anymore. I am whole lot of regrets, mounting. Every day I woke up and hoping for some miracle to chase away the emptiness and blankness that had consumed me for too long. I’ve been hurt beyond the repair and pathetically no one cares.  Don’t look me into the eyes, because I don’t want you to watch the piece of broken side that I hide. Don’t  take any step closer because I don’t want you to hear my breathless sighs. Don’t try to understand me, or you will lost in reveries too.

  

My empty guts, my sleepless night, waiting for you.  Why don’t you just tell me how, and I will shut down this forever.

I saw you in everyone I met.

I think about you everyday, that’s for sure, I think about what you might be doing. If you’re okay or not. But it’s scary that a day will come where I don’t think about you, and then there will come a few days where I don’t think about you at all. After that a week, a couple of weeks, a month, a couple of months to a year and onwards until the day comes where a daughter of mine will ask me who my first true love was and what he was like. That’s when I’ll think of you and my heart will break a little at the realization that years have passed and I have not thought about you. And I will look into my daughter’s eyes as my heart breaks a little more at the wish that her father was you. I’ll sit down with her and tell her what an amazing man you were and how very much I loved you, and how you will never forget your one true love. But I’ll go on to say how much I love my daughter and her father and that there’s no other man I’d rather be married to. Because by then I surely would have convinced myself of that.

--My Blueberry Nights

December 19.

 

People aren't always going to be there for you. That's why I learn to handle things on my own. The people you love--one by one,will leave you. And my biggest fear of pain,loss and separation seems to overwhelm me. Again. 

--If I could decide when,then it would be now. I'm scare of death but somehow I'm tired of living.

My once pleasant dreams.

 

Once you pass a certain age, life becomes nothing more than a process of continual loss. Things that are important to your life begin to slip out of your grasp, one after another, like a comb losing teeth. And the only things that come to take their place are worthless imitations. Your physical strength, your hopes, your dreams, your ideals, your convictions, all meaning, or, then again, the people you love: one by one, they fade away. Some announce their departure before they leave, while others just disappear all of a sudden without warning one day. And once you lose them you can never get them back. Your search for replacements never goes well. It’s all very painful — as painful as actually being cut with a knife. 

Haruki Murakami, 1Q84.

Lost.

No one has the right to judge us because no one really knows what we have been through. They may have heard about our stories but they never did once felt what we felt in hearts.

; Nine teen to be and still have no idea what life is all about. How was I yesterday,and why I'm not the same person like I thought.

Que sera sera.

It's been a while since I last updated. There's nothing there to write about. Nope,there's too much actually until I stuck and don't know how to write.I found my self just lose interest in everything and be in absolute solitude. I don't feel like writing too much because I don't want people to read and understand me. December is already around and two zero twelve is approaching. Would I remain as the same person like yesterday or wholly reborn?

Indechiperable.

“And it came to me then. That we were wonderful traveling companions but in the end no more than lonely lumps of metal in their own separate orbits. From far off they look like beautiful shooting stars, but in reality they're nothing more than prisons, where each of us is locked up alone, going nowhere. When the orbits of these two satellites of ours happened to cross paths, we could be together. Maybe even open our hearts to each other. But that was only for the briefest moment. In the next instant we'd be in absolute solitude. Until we burned up and became nothing.”
 

―Harumi Murakami,Sputnik Sweetheart.