Apathy.

Just because she comes off strong,
  doesn't mean she didn't fall asleep crying,
And even though she acts like nothings wrong,
  maybe she's just really good at lying.

Salam Lebaran AFI.
; from me that only can look from afar.

Accustom to pain.

As she stares through the window,she wonder when does everything started go wrong?

She's hurt beyond the repair. Can't you see it?

Eccedentesiast.

Have you ever laid on your bed at night and just cried? Cried because you are not good enough. Cried because you were counting all our mistakes. Cried because all the comments people blurted out,cried because everyone is betraying you,pretending like they care but actually they tried to kill you with the most cruelest way. I'm spending most of my time now by get lost with my thoughts. I wanna be alone. Without anyone,because humans keep broke me,I'm a fragile piece yet they still have guts to shattered me into pieces. Having these kind of stuffs and going through this day really make me depressed,make me wanna disappear forever. Its just amazing how at one point people that extremely close with us then later will become a complete stranger. A person which once knew you so well,who once knew your fears,your desires,your dreams,is the one that being your major reason of your life breakdown. But I dont want to be a burden,so I bottle it up in me. Around people,I'm the happiest. I kept telling myself this is the last time,but it just keeps happening.

To put my story into words,humans broke me into pieces,humans never be good,everything was a surprised to me,I learned to remember and to let go,many things just slipped away from me,I was a mess,I got pushed and shoved,and I was reckless and blurred. Its so hard to believe how much can change in a year. Things were completely different.

-- silence.

Thrash.

Why people must act hypocrite? Why cant they just speak plain human? Where yes means yes while no means no,it will be pretty much easier. Nowadays it feels like living in an inverted world,for a straight forward person like me. Its like when you were driving on the road,people give left but going to right instead. I really don't understand. Why play pretend with me? Everything is going opposite ways. How can I understand this? It is not stated in my manual life book. Mah de fah ker.

Shitload.

      ; your sorry,my ass! 

; guwa ingat lu berubah,rupanya masih sampah.

Happiness Explosion.

Gah,am at home now.Having a holiday for two weeks yaw! I'm gonna spend my time preciously.Home is like heaven on earth and I just cant describe how I love beinghome.So,farewell to the classes,farewell to waking up early in the morn,farewell presentation,farewell lecturers,farewell ass-ignments,wuhuu. So lets say hello shopping,hello Hari Raya,hello collecting money KIHKIH! Lets play kick-ass fun this holiday. Looking forward to see my goofy friends,i miss them like crazay!

; Its fun playing the bunga api with my lil sister. I feel like i went back to my childhood MOMENT again. Kawankawan,cepatlah balik. Tak sabar mahu merewang malam shopping raya. KIHKIH

Save me.

Things getting tougher every now and then. Loads of dramas,lies and heart-broken. Well I guess just too numb for it. I can't please everyone,why does people seems really hard to swallow that truth? You know how I hate being in a fight,well come on,its lame. I'll draw a big SORRY sign so that you can see it from afar how i hate it. Let me be the one who giving up. Yes because I think i already giving up on everything. I miss my old life. And sometimes its funny how one night can contain so much regrets,how ironic life turns out to be. Funny how friends can leave you when you are alone. So joky-called-way. Pffft,nothing above is funny for me. 

; I'm drowning

Questioning.

       ;  Why are we strangers when our love is strong?
                                     
                                         --Every time,britney spears.

Unknown Direction.

Too many things in my head right now. Life's complication piling up,things going the same and I'm having the thoughts of deja-vu sometimes. I'm going through ups and downs,thats normal enough for me.

Sometimes,I wish to become a robot. Without the eyes that see reality,without the ears that hear lies,and the important one is without the emotion that feels a         
                                           broken heart.

Euphoric.

--Yeah I know the picture above highly make me look like an insane person right? But who the hell cares. I'm bored,seriously. The spectacles,yeah I'm wearing it now. Call me a nerd,hoho. Not fully wore it,only when I'm in the class,and go online. My left eye power is 125 while my right eye power is only 50. Its weird right? Or maybe its just a normal thing? Well I have no idea about this stuff. Oh I'm home right now. HEHE. Tomorrow would be a public holiday as all the Muslims would celebrating Nuzul Al-Quran. So I grabbed this opportunity and rushing home even just for one day. Hehe,how a terrible homesicko I am. I guess I'm an eight years old girl stuck in the body of eight teen years girl. Hehe. Its already a 16th Ramadhan,guess how fast time is moving. And just a few more days and counting,we will celebrating Hari Raya,oyeah! Well if anyone wanna treat me for berbuka or Hari Raya stuffs,don't be shy,just lemme know!. I'll be there in a kiss anyway! Kehkeh.

Mind my bloody grammar mistake,its a flash update.

; Currently listening to Suasana Hari Raya-anuar zain & elina.

Can't wait to see how much my collecting for this Raya. Harap menaik,haha!

Smallest things take the most room in my heart.

And today i woke up like shaite. With a face like a person who just came back from war,and over-thinking about the dream that I had last night. I over analyzed the dream that i had and its massive disaster though. It was a big fucked-up thing for me. I have no idea of how much longer do I have to repel against every memory that keep feeding into my heart. I keep telling myself it will go away,but it hasn't been. Years seems cant vanished all those memories but I wont do any other years wasting for you,waiting and finally end up being disappointing. You are too fairytale for me too believe. ONE thing for sure,I wouldn't let you have the satisfaction of knowing I'll always be there waiting anymore.

; salam pisah separuh Ramadhan pertama. 
  Panjang umur,ketemu lagi :' )

Sudah.

                     ; Namun berat beban di hidupku,
                biarkan saja biar saja
                Hanya ku yang tahu.

                Sepanjang ku bisa atasi semua,

                aku tetap DIAM.

                                       -Yuni shara,sepi

Melancholy.

Staring numbly at the very dark skies,I realized how much things really changed in my naked eyes,how much my story totally shaped into a wholly different ending. I am eight-teen now,and I had really changed into the real girl. No longer a girl that rely on her hopes into someone. No longer a girl that easily gave her trust to people as she had keeping up with a broken and fake promises for so long. Everything that she's going through,that she's facing and all the things that she still longing for,she just kept to herself. Silence and shut. No point of telling,as people cant decode the real meaning behind it. She's trying to prove one thing or two,that she can stand up by herself,without those guides. She cant make the same mistakes twice,if she did it again,its no longer a mistakes,but its a choice. Somehow to welcome a new fresh start demand us to leave all the past behind even though she's not good at it. All the bitterness that she's have gone through,make she better. She know she can survived,even without someone as her savior. I'm stronger,I'm wiser,that's all I want to improve.

 

Life goes on with or without you.

Day passing really slowly,or maybe it was just me who feel that way. Life's a little ho-hum,everyday feel like a repeated tape. So many things in my mind,so many things to do,so many things to achieve,so little time. Tons of assignments,I am just fucking tired. Somehow really lazy to study,but i don't want any spoiled grades for my upcoming examination.I still have a lot to go through right now.

Feeling like giving up,but yeah I already promised myself and THEM. So we'll see how it goes.

Pstt: I'm looking forward for holidays in August. I can be home 5 days before Raya *padahal every week balik rumah and going back to uni only on the 10'th hari raya. Hurrayhurray! I wish time would move a little bit more faster!!

Kill that memory.

Her appearance kept haunting.

She is bruised and scarred.

I'm putting up walls to you. Not so easy,but I'll make it.

I had enough. Keeping up with all your bullshit. For so long.

One day,I'll knock your house.And I'll fulfill everything.See you few years from now.

--How common promises be made and how common it is to be broken.

Baby its a wild wild world.

They say they care about you,a few moments later they just leave you there hanging. They say they love you,but never even bother to show that. If you love me as much as you said you did,then you wouldn't have hurt me like I ain't shit. So why saying all this,if don't really mean it? You went from someone I adore into a complete stranger. After a very long silence between us,you come and injected my dull life with unnecessary drama,heartaches,and on top of that,you drag me getting my hopes up and then making my hopes useless. Now,it was just another waste. I should have learn that every possibilities that i knew was just a lie. And again,I was just another promises that you couldn't keep. 

I told you to stop knocking on my door,but you did. Cos I thought this time you were staying,for good,that I confess. And maybe it was my fault,for letting you in again. Tonight everything seems crystal clear to me,there's nothing left to fight for,nothing left to wait for,nothing left for everything. I really don't know what your intentions,maybe you just wanna see me depressed. Well if that's so,you had failed. Cos its getting old to me,and I'm immune to it. On your face,I'm telling this,i totally lost interest in you. I am fucking jaded of you. You lead me to a very big disappointment and I had enough of being sober for so many years. I already knew happy ending bloody sure won't come around.

One day you will know how it feels like being in my shoes,and that time you will convincing yourself that it was just a dream. A bad dream. And when you woke up from your dream,you will find yourself stuck with a same person who you used to change her fairytale into nightmare. You will stare at the mirror and asked,is this what she's feel all this time?

--In this world,you will reach to the point where you may thought it was your's,but in a blink of an eyes,it's already someone else's.

Funny thing.

                                      Be careful who you open up to,

                      only a few people actually care,

                      the rest was just curious.

; Its a great lesson. Learn to trust no one,except yourself.
Yo backstabber,stop being a gossip girl. Mereka pon mahu cari makanlah.

I look for the sun but its raining today.

I guess everything you said was a lie. I think about it and it bring tears to my eyes. Did you still care? I thought you'll be there for me,but there's no point in waiting and building up hopes. My mind is just in a state of blank,the shadows seems to have live their own,writhing in agony and despair. 

P/s; take away the pain.

This I confess.

Fasting as an uni student is not much differs than fasting at home. Well its just you need to spend out lotta of your own cash to buy all the foods. Cook? Well i don't do cooking. HAHA. I got a new experience here you know. Unbelievable phase is-I do cleaning the raw chicken. I never ever do that before but i did it here. Bravo for me. *okay i am that pathetic. I also involved in the bazaar part. Me and the other Teslian Sem 1 were helping the seniors sold the dishes at bazaar. It was fun. Even though all i do is just watching and do nothing,okay call me irresponsible. The seniors,majorly nice people. So that it,fasting and bazaar story wrapped up in 3 days perspectives. More to come.

Talking about study,I know my life here would be as hard as tuut. Tons of ass-ignments,plus the six subjectssss. I really need to pull the effort like I did when i sit for SPM before. The worst part is, I have to deal with the FALSAFAH and KENEGARAAN what-so-called-thingy again. Huwaa! Both of it is just like history subj and i hate it. :( Believe me,its hard as hell to deal with the sleepy class every time. To avoid sleeping,I'm wearing an earphones,listening to music,so that it,I'm in my LALALA-land. The foreign language class also a complete torture for me. Vietnam is my bad. I still can't recall even she already taught,said it hundred times. Sob sob. 


And sometimes this situation make me missed my high school moment. Uwaa.
Till then,happy fasting everyone.